Paul Krugman's piece in the times is a good one.
David Brooks was on Real Time with Bill Maher last weekend defending Conservativism from the right wing antics of the Republican Party. I often hear from my Conservative friends that I shouldn't confuse Conservatives with Republicans. It's a bit self-righteous and precious, and hides a more complex truth. The claim is an implicit refusal to do anything at all to change the popular Conservative movement and its tactics, which are managed by the Republican Party and a growing, strong far-right-wing movement. So while conservative intellectuals, like Brooks, explicitly denounce the members of the Conservative movement who behave improperly and hurt civic discourse, they nevertheless politely refuse, hesitate is to kind, to act against it.
I think the damage to discourse has been done. The Conservative movement has been working since the 80s to control educational and market institutions via legislation and local activism. Academics and researchers are already forced to be quiet for fear that local conservative groups, at the service of the national movement, will smear them and their work. Even I experienced conservative plants in my classrooms at Metropolitan State College of Denver, of all places, during the Academic Rights nonsense pushed by David Horowitz in the early 2000s.
We've been forced by centrist culture to accept conservative binarism into intellectual discourse, to acknowledge paradox-denying common sense into our pragmatism, to permit ridiculous religious dogma into our educational discourse, et al. And while we all seem to agree that the minority who insists we continue moving to the right is, in fact, bad for our culture, our nation, we continue to do nothing about it.
I don't know if there's much we can do about it except by putting our careers at stake and telling the truth in spite of the potential smear campaigns. I promise to continue to do so.
Monday, March 28, 2011
American Thought Police (Krugman)
See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/bwpcv
White Power 101: Apologetics
Two things about this clip from the Chris Matthews show.
The first thing I'm quite accustomed to; we all are, in fact. The privileged white man who has a checkered past is given another chance to lead, to succeed, to be all that he can be; he's given a pass for all past indiscretions. He is mindlessly afforded this pass because he is privileged. In the US, this kind of privileged is tied to race and bolstered by wealth.
The second thing is much more mundane, but more troubling. It enables the white power structure that privileged white racists Haley Barbour rely on to remain powerful, healthy and wealthy. To not be able to see beyond the white power structure itself; to refuse to recognize privilege; to destabilize critical thinking in the face of racism. In fact, Chris Matthew's panel permits Haley Barbour "to do it". What can he do? He can run, as Barbour has said, as "The Anti-Obama." Not one person on the panel said, "You know, we can permit him to run, but we shouldn't. He's a bigot. He's bad for our nation, our kids, our culture, our credibility."
And I'll add a bonus thing. The third thing is that, once again, the media presents Obama's problem as his intelligence and success. Apparently, it's still suspicious to be black and smart in the United States. Fortunately, we have stupid racist hicks who have enough money to run for President to counter black intelligence. (See Real Time with Bill Maher's hilarious video about The Anti-Obama, Amabo.)
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Friday, March 25, 2011
Labor History: Triangle Shirtwaist Fire
March 25, 1911. Good post about it, the mindset that caused it. You know, the mindset that persists. It's called "libertarianism," and it's dangerous to your health and our national well-being.
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Thursday, March 24, 2011
Lists: Sociology of Space
Working through a reading list
Hovering above it all: Hegel
Lefebvre's Production of Space. that Imagination is involved in producing space, effects the rhythm of space, marked by time, etc has gotten me off course with what appears to be Lefebvre's most well-read book. Must return to it.
Where does Simmel fit here? Thinking of his discussion about time and counting, how it changes the basic structure of our minds--imagination, thinking, thus space...
Martina Low--ordering of things in space--discourse.
This all effects Poetics, certainly, our ability to describe something within a line, in so far as versifying is a turning of language we can assume that the ordering of things (concrete and abstract) in space determines, more or less (to what extent?), what we can put down and how it will be read by others? as opposed to the more common, and trite, notion that what we write shapes the present shape of things to come...
Maximus, then. Williams' Spring and All and Paterson. Creeley decrying young poets in letters to Olson, complaining they do not understand form. Makes more sense. I agree and believe it's an institutional, foundational, linguistic problem. How can we approach form when, say, our poetry is everyday further removed from everyday life. Must keep it formally anchored. Innovations may release writers from stale formal constraints but also permits a resistance to understand what permits innovation in the form itself.
See: poets complaining about the lack of a marketplace for their ideas. This is a lack of readers. More importantly, it's a lack of space. We've mistaken publication, being published, for being read, reading together, doing the work of poetry.
Can't be disobedient when you're unaware of the space you inhabit. Its contours. As if the page were a replacement for a place. Imagine a space--it's already shaped by your perceptions of similar spaces. This isn't a discourse thing, it's a concrete limitation, a prohibition that has everything to do with the market as it does with knowing how to compose a line of prose or verse.
Look at Alice James. Invalid. Space.
Trying to find more about Marx's concept of a concrete abstraction.
Hovering above it all: Hegel
Lefebvre's Production of Space. that Imagination is involved in producing space, effects the rhythm of space, marked by time, etc has gotten me off course with what appears to be Lefebvre's most well-read book. Must return to it.
Where does Simmel fit here? Thinking of his discussion about time and counting, how it changes the basic structure of our minds--imagination, thinking, thus space...
Martina Low--ordering of things in space--discourse.
This all effects Poetics, certainly, our ability to describe something within a line, in so far as versifying is a turning of language we can assume that the ordering of things (concrete and abstract) in space determines, more or less (to what extent?), what we can put down and how it will be read by others? as opposed to the more common, and trite, notion that what we write shapes the present shape of things to come...
Maximus, then. Williams' Spring and All and Paterson. Creeley decrying young poets in letters to Olson, complaining they do not understand form. Makes more sense. I agree and believe it's an institutional, foundational, linguistic problem. How can we approach form when, say, our poetry is everyday further removed from everyday life. Must keep it formally anchored. Innovations may release writers from stale formal constraints but also permits a resistance to understand what permits innovation in the form itself.
See: poets complaining about the lack of a marketplace for their ideas. This is a lack of readers. More importantly, it's a lack of space. We've mistaken publication, being published, for being read, reading together, doing the work of poetry.
Can't be disobedient when you're unaware of the space you inhabit. Its contours. As if the page were a replacement for a place. Imagine a space--it's already shaped by your perceptions of similar spaces. This isn't a discourse thing, it's a concrete limitation, a prohibition that has everything to do with the market as it does with knowing how to compose a line of prose or verse.
Look at Alice James. Invalid. Space.
Trying to find more about Marx's concept of a concrete abstraction.
See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/bw7ls
Hegelian Triads
Re-reading Hegel and digging around online for articles and such. Found this. Remember when hypertext was going to be the next big thing. Still, it's kind of helpful. And the Marxists.org Library is a great resource.
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Thursday, January 20, 2011
HOW TO: A New Routine for Taxes in Korea
UPDATE: Do you really need to use the NTS site I outline below? It depends. My school insisted I needed to, but I've just learned it's not necessarily so. In my case, I use my bank card for almost everything. So, it behooves me to use the site because I'll get some sort of deduction.
February is tax time in Korea. The important thing to remember is tax is assessed as a payroll deduction. Some employers forget to remind English-speaking employees about this deduction. Moreover, many Americans seem to believe we get an automatic tax-free, first two years here. They forget to fill out appropriate paperwork before arriving in Korea to receive the 2-year tax holiday they get via a US-Korea agreement. If you never applied to receive the tax holiday or this is your third February in Korea, you will pay taxes with the rest of us next month. If you don't make much money, you might miss the 200-400,000Won you'll be assessed.
As I learn more, I'll post more. It's very difficult to glean this information from the Internet; each year I learn a little more. The amount I learn is pretty much in line with the amount my ability to speak the language improves. As always, I like to remind my readers to stay off the ESL Forums. They're full of angry misinformers and lurkers who like to spread useless misinformation. Talk to your colleagues here. I know Chris in Korea will likely post about taxes soon. He's reliable, and like me, he'll attempt to answer your questions. Don't listen to foreign teacher gossip. Well, do listen and then ignore it. If you're with SMOE/EPIK/GEPIK, you can talk to your school's administrators directly.
_______________________________
Some of you may have heard about this already, but if you have not:
If you have to pay taxes in Korea, and whether you have to or not is always confusing, there's a new requirement. You must/may need to present your schools with personal financial information that's available via Korea's NTS website. Even though the website is only presented in Hangukmal, the process to obtain your financial data is relatively easy. It takes a matter of minutes.
However, to access your information in the NTS system, you'll need a security key, a bit of script that is saved onto a USB drive, your handphone or your computer. The security key is available via your bank. If you've set up Internet banking through your Korean bank account, you no doubt already possess this key and use it each time you log into your bank account, possibly when you shop online. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you'll need to visit your bank and ask for help acquiring the key.
This process will likely cause thousands of foreigners serious frustration because of the language barrier. We all know how communication quickly disintegrates at work and in public when our Korean colleagues must talk with us about technical details about our obligations as employees or at places like a bank. My suggestion is that you acquire your security keys, access the NTS site, print out your info, and take it to your employers without being asked. Do it. They'll really appreciate it. And you'll avoid the nasty headache that comes with doing things at the last second as is custom around here.
Moreover, if you cannot speak and read Hangukmal: get a Korean friend or co-teacher to help. If you can't get help, you'll have to insist that your employer does the work for you. I know my high school admin colleagues were willing to help me with everything and were super-elated this morning when we dropped off the info unannounced. I don't think they believed we would do it on our own. (My wife helped me obtain my security key at Woori Bank.)
At any rate, obtaining the security key from your bank is going to be the most difficult part of this task because you may find it difficult without somebody to translate for you.
Sungkyunkwan University provided their English profs a very helpful, step-by-step presentation on how to use the NTS website. I'm going to post it below with a few notes; their admin staff deserves kudos for the work, not me. Your bank will, I'll say should, walk you through obtaining a security key. Remember: insist or you'll never get help. It sounds rude to English-speaking ears, but you may have to get in somebody's face and demand help before you'll get it. That's just Korean-style customer service. And it doesn't sound as bad in Hangukmal as it does in English. Trust me. You must, must, must obtain the key. You cannot access your financial info without it. And you cannot properly complete your taxes without out visiting the NTS site.
First, visit the NTS home page and select "log in"/"로그인", which is a button on the left hand side of the button bar on the top of the home page, under the logo.
After you log in, follow these steps: (click on the images to show full size^^)
The above step is where you choose how to access your security key. If you look, you have five options where from to select the key. You'll want to choose the first one, if you're using a key on your USB drive, or the fourth one, if you're using a key on your computer. Some of you may have one installed on your smart phone; you can select that option as well. You may notice there are smart card options as well, but I don't know foreigners who possess these. Once you select the method of acquisition, you'll need to select the key itself. Then you can proceed.
___________________________________________
Just remember, most of you will have nothing to declare. So, all you're really doing in the NTS system is accessing the info and printing it. Make a copy for your own records. I found it impossible to save using Adobe Reader on a PC (maybe FoxIt Reader would work???) but using Preview with a Mac permits you to save the info. Bring a copy to your boss at Hagwon or to your Kyojangsil/Principal's Office at your public school. Even if they haven't asked you for it yet, they will need it.
Hope this helps. If you have questions, leave them in the comments.
February is tax time in Korea. The important thing to remember is tax is assessed as a payroll deduction. Some employers forget to remind English-speaking employees about this deduction. Moreover, many Americans seem to believe we get an automatic tax-free, first two years here. They forget to fill out appropriate paperwork before arriving in Korea to receive the 2-year tax holiday they get via a US-Korea agreement. If you never applied to receive the tax holiday or this is your third February in Korea, you will pay taxes with the rest of us next month. If you don't make much money, you might miss the 200-400,000Won you'll be assessed.
You need to use your credit/debit card for more than 25% of your annual income to get a tax deduction. The NTS site I describe below will tell you how much you spent using your bank card. So, it's worth checking to determine whether or not you need to file for deductions.
Your employer should automatically calculate anything having to do with National Health Insurance. I don't know anyone who doesn't work here without carrying the national insurance. In addition, your employer will calculate your pension information, if applicable.
If you spent more than 3% of your annual income on medical expenses, then you should qualify for some sort of deduction.
If you made large donations, pay mucho mortgage, or are receiving some sort of government benefit, you'll need to use the site.
As I learn more, I'll post more. It's very difficult to glean this information from the Internet; each year I learn a little more. The amount I learn is pretty much in line with the amount my ability to speak the language improves. As always, I like to remind my readers to stay off the ESL Forums. They're full of angry misinformers and lurkers who like to spread useless misinformation. Talk to your colleagues here. I know Chris in Korea will likely post about taxes soon. He's reliable, and like me, he'll attempt to answer your questions. Don't listen to foreign teacher gossip. Well, do listen and then ignore it. If you're with SMOE/EPIK/GEPIK, you can talk to your school's administrators directly.
_______________________________
Some of you may have heard about this already, but if you have not:
If you have to pay taxes in Korea, and whether you have to or not is always confusing, there's a new requirement. You must/may need to present your schools with personal financial information that's available via Korea's NTS website. Even though the website is only presented in Hangukmal, the process to obtain your financial data is relatively easy. It takes a matter of minutes.
However, to access your information in the NTS system, you'll need a security key, a bit of script that is saved onto a USB drive, your handphone or your computer. The security key is available via your bank. If you've set up Internet banking through your Korean bank account, you no doubt already possess this key and use it each time you log into your bank account, possibly when you shop online. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you'll need to visit your bank and ask for help acquiring the key.
This process will likely cause thousands of foreigners serious frustration because of the language barrier. We all know how communication quickly disintegrates at work and in public when our Korean colleagues must talk with us about technical details about our obligations as employees or at places like a bank. My suggestion is that you acquire your security keys, access the NTS site, print out your info, and take it to your employers without being asked. Do it. They'll really appreciate it. And you'll avoid the nasty headache that comes with doing things at the last second as is custom around here.
Moreover, if you cannot speak and read Hangukmal: get a Korean friend or co-teacher to help. If you can't get help, you'll have to insist that your employer does the work for you. I know my high school admin colleagues were willing to help me with everything and were super-elated this morning when we dropped off the info unannounced. I don't think they believed we would do it on our own. (My wife helped me obtain my security key at Woori Bank.)
At any rate, obtaining the security key from your bank is going to be the most difficult part of this task because you may find it difficult without somebody to translate for you.
Sungkyunkwan University provided their English profs a very helpful, step-by-step presentation on how to use the NTS website. I'm going to post it below with a few notes; their admin staff deserves kudos for the work, not me. Your bank will, I'll say should, walk you through obtaining a security key. Remember: insist or you'll never get help. It sounds rude to English-speaking ears, but you may have to get in somebody's face and demand help before you'll get it. That's just Korean-style customer service. And it doesn't sound as bad in Hangukmal as it does in English. Trust me. You must, must, must obtain the key. You cannot access your financial info without it. And you cannot properly complete your taxes without out visiting the NTS site.
First, visit the NTS home page and select "log in"/"로그인", which is a button on the left hand side of the button bar on the top of the home page, under the logo.
After you log in, follow these steps: (click on the images to show full size^^)
The above step is where you choose how to access your security key. If you look, you have five options where from to select the key. You'll want to choose the first one, if you're using a key on your USB drive, or the fourth one, if you're using a key on your computer. Some of you may have one installed on your smart phone; you can select that option as well. You may notice there are smart card options as well, but I don't know foreigners who possess these. Once you select the method of acquisition, you'll need to select the key itself. Then you can proceed.
___________________________________________
Just remember, most of you will have nothing to declare. So, all you're really doing in the NTS system is accessing the info and printing it. Make a copy for your own records. I found it impossible to save using Adobe Reader on a PC (maybe FoxIt Reader would work???) but using Preview with a Mac permits you to save the info. Bring a copy to your boss at Hagwon or to your Kyojangsil/Principal's Office at your public school. Even if they haven't asked you for it yet, they will need it.
Hope this helps. If you have questions, leave them in the comments.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Wandering Korea and Europe until March.
traveling. back in March. daily writing regimen. i've even got Praise keeping a dream journal. much more interesting than my work.
it's the time of year that high school teachers get a break. no teaching until March. i'm ecstatic. full of anxiety. never fails that when i'm free of most worries, free to wander, free to write that my neuroses peak.
much in store for dagseoul, dagscreen, and dagsound come March. stay tuned.
it's the time of year that high school teachers get a break. no teaching until March. i'm ecstatic. full of anxiety. never fails that when i'm free of most worries, free to wander, free to write that my neuroses peak.
much in store for dagseoul, dagscreen, and dagsound come March. stay tuned.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Larry Wilmore on Huck Finn Censorship (The Daily Show)
The Daily Show (1/11/11): Wilmore's commentary on the censorship of Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn is wonderful. Check it out:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Mark Twain Controversy | ||||
| ||||
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Monday, December 6, 2010
Things Foreigners Do in Korea That They Aren't Aware They Do
Use KOREA and KOREAN as pejoratives.
It's a patronizing, paternalistic and lazy way to criticize and complain. Don't do it. You have a problem as a teacher? Don't address the issue vis a vis Korea. Why not take a stab at doing the critical work necessary to actually attempt to solve the problem?
Korea's full of haters; 50% of them are foreign teachers.
It's a patronizing, paternalistic and lazy way to criticize and complain. Don't do it. You have a problem as a teacher? Don't address the issue vis a vis Korea. Why not take a stab at doing the critical work necessary to actually attempt to solve the problem?
Korea's full of haters; 50% of them are foreign teachers.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Working On
1. I'm reading Volume One of Karl Marx's Capital again. This is the second time I'm reading it cover to cover; it will be the third time re-reading many of the more famous sections. I found a copy of David Harvey's lectures about Volume One and am reading it as if I were taking his popular seminar. It reminds me of the class I took at University of Denver (DU) with Robert Urquhart. I miss that man's company. A lot of fun reading Marx and watching John Wayne films. Well, his love for John Ford and Wayne always made me groan, but his screenings were a kick.
2. I'm trying hard to get reinstated as a student at DU while finishing my dissertation. It's difficult trying to do this from Korea. Handling registration and, as a result, student loan issues from overseas is a real headache. What would have taken a day or two of walking papers with signatures between departments on campus is a year-long odyssey of unanswered e-mails and phone calls. I blame nobody on this one, but it does illustrate how educational and financial institutions have failed to usefully implement technology in order to make the students', teachers', consumers' and employees' jobs a little easier.
3. Reading Slavoj Zizek has become a hobby of mine. I follow his lectures as well. I really like the guy, especially his ability to piss off establishment academics and right wing ideologues. His recent work has become much more readable, I think. Whether we agree with everything he argues, his take is creative, aggressive, and concerned. I like the fact that he insists we revisit Hegel. Hegel is one of the most abused western philosophers. He's often misquoted and misunderstood because researchers and theorists use two or three of his most famous works without fully understanding his conception of logic and his entire project. The abuse could be prevented with a little more reading and decision to cease using other authors using other authors using other authors. And of course, literary theorists are always misusing him. Anyway, my engagement with Zizek has me revisiting Kant, Marx, Hegel, Butler. Makes me happy.
4. Wrapping up another semester at Samsung High School in Seoul.
2. I'm trying hard to get reinstated as a student at DU while finishing my dissertation. It's difficult trying to do this from Korea. Handling registration and, as a result, student loan issues from overseas is a real headache. What would have taken a day or two of walking papers with signatures between departments on campus is a year-long odyssey of unanswered e-mails and phone calls. I blame nobody on this one, but it does illustrate how educational and financial institutions have failed to usefully implement technology in order to make the students', teachers', consumers' and employees' jobs a little easier.
3. Reading Slavoj Zizek has become a hobby of mine. I follow his lectures as well. I really like the guy, especially his ability to piss off establishment academics and right wing ideologues. His recent work has become much more readable, I think. Whether we agree with everything he argues, his take is creative, aggressive, and concerned. I like the fact that he insists we revisit Hegel. Hegel is one of the most abused western philosophers. He's often misquoted and misunderstood because researchers and theorists use two or three of his most famous works without fully understanding his conception of logic and his entire project. The abuse could be prevented with a little more reading and decision to cease using other authors using other authors using other authors. And of course, literary theorists are always misusing him. Anyway, my engagement with Zizek has me revisiting Kant, Marx, Hegel, Butler. Makes me happy.
4. Wrapping up another semester at Samsung High School in Seoul.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The Right to Assemble & Speak & Distribute Information
From The Boston Globe, "SKorean police arrest 4 people over G-20 protests." (I'll try to get out and snag a few photographs of protests and other activities in the next few days and during the summit.)
The G20 looms in Seoul and Koreans will show up in thousands to protest. There will likely be hundreds of arrests and as many news stories about the protests and arrests--as many as will be published about the political and corporate interests that are represented at the Summit itself.
I think we should remember what's at stake as Korea and Koreans continue to become more significant to the global capitalist market: Korean well-being. For me the highlight of this G20 Summit is the Korean people who have accomplished so much in the last 40 years yet continue to struggle with the cultural impact and realities that a fair and just democratic society imposes upon them as it promises to more or less liberate them. In my opinion, Koreans are at odds with the capitalist market and its ability to exploit democratic institutions to make a profit. Of course, foreign interests in Korea often get blamed and foreign laborers often receive the rhetorical force of the blaming rhetoric. We should not forget that conservative elements in Korea that are not Nationalistic but Corporate are at work behind organizing and disseminating the nationalist fear and rhetoric because it serves their purposes well: it makes the majority of Koreans, the working poor to working middle classes, look immature, petty, bitter, and unable to effectively lead. The resulting sentiment offers a slimy protection of Korea's ruling elite.
We should insist that the highlights of the G20 protests in Seoul, organized by Koreans, are the labor activists protesting cuts to social welfare programs. The Korean left is correct to be concerned and their early protests are a sign of their precise action rather than their often reported disorganization and vitriol.
Nevertheless, the conservative Korean press is likely to highlight any and all nationalist rhetoric within the Korean protests and amongst public Korean dissent. Such press serves an important cultural purpose: it protects Korea's elite. The unfortunate result is that the shitty expat blogging community will find further reason to hate on Korean activism via blogs regarding unfair treatment of foreigners by Korean bigots or regarding behavior non-Koreans find silly, stupid and offensive. It's always one or the other with foreign bloggers: criticize bigotry in Korea or illustrate their stupidity. Especially white bloggers: white folks love to illustrate others' bigotry. You know, it's white power's only effective use: Scapegoating.
Please support Koreans' right to organize, distribute information, protest, assemble and speak in public. Please celebrate that attempt to preserve their rights. In this celebration maybe we can find a little more energy to afford looking after our own back home, which are in fact in jeopardy. The democracy movement is alive and still struggling here. Without positive portrayals, like the Boston Globe's piece this morning, we cannot expect the remaining love of nationalist sentiment and protectionism to lose its popular appeal. And rather than the protests being about how the rest of the world envisions and represents Korea's nationalist sentiment, this should be about insisting Koreans are able to distribute information to shape policy and rhetoric.
Please do stop highlighting the minority nationalist interests as if those ideas are passively supported by the majority of Koreans. They aren't. It's about as silly as claiming the Tea Party represents the majority American sentiment regarding economic and social policies because the press pays so much attention to it. It's damaging to the progressive left (even the progressive right) who's image is often smeared in the right wing/corporate popular press.
The G20 looms in Seoul and Koreans will show up in thousands to protest. There will likely be hundreds of arrests and as many news stories about the protests and arrests--as many as will be published about the political and corporate interests that are represented at the Summit itself.
I think we should remember what's at stake as Korea and Koreans continue to become more significant to the global capitalist market: Korean well-being. For me the highlight of this G20 Summit is the Korean people who have accomplished so much in the last 40 years yet continue to struggle with the cultural impact and realities that a fair and just democratic society imposes upon them as it promises to more or less liberate them. In my opinion, Koreans are at odds with the capitalist market and its ability to exploit democratic institutions to make a profit. Of course, foreign interests in Korea often get blamed and foreign laborers often receive the rhetorical force of the blaming rhetoric. We should not forget that conservative elements in Korea that are not Nationalistic but Corporate are at work behind organizing and disseminating the nationalist fear and rhetoric because it serves their purposes well: it makes the majority of Koreans, the working poor to working middle classes, look immature, petty, bitter, and unable to effectively lead. The resulting sentiment offers a slimy protection of Korea's ruling elite.
We should insist that the highlights of the G20 protests in Seoul, organized by Koreans, are the labor activists protesting cuts to social welfare programs. The Korean left is correct to be concerned and their early protests are a sign of their precise action rather than their often reported disorganization and vitriol.
Nevertheless, the conservative Korean press is likely to highlight any and all nationalist rhetoric within the Korean protests and amongst public Korean dissent. Such press serves an important cultural purpose: it protects Korea's elite. The unfortunate result is that the shitty expat blogging community will find further reason to hate on Korean activism via blogs regarding unfair treatment of foreigners by Korean bigots or regarding behavior non-Koreans find silly, stupid and offensive. It's always one or the other with foreign bloggers: criticize bigotry in Korea or illustrate their stupidity. Especially white bloggers: white folks love to illustrate others' bigotry. You know, it's white power's only effective use: Scapegoating.
Please support Koreans' right to organize, distribute information, protest, assemble and speak in public. Please celebrate that attempt to preserve their rights. In this celebration maybe we can find a little more energy to afford looking after our own back home, which are in fact in jeopardy. The democracy movement is alive and still struggling here. Without positive portrayals, like the Boston Globe's piece this morning, we cannot expect the remaining love of nationalist sentiment and protectionism to lose its popular appeal. And rather than the protests being about how the rest of the world envisions and represents Korea's nationalist sentiment, this should be about insisting Koreans are able to distribute information to shape policy and rhetoric.
Please do stop highlighting the minority nationalist interests as if those ideas are passively supported by the majority of Koreans. They aren't. It's about as silly as claiming the Tea Party represents the majority American sentiment regarding economic and social policies because the press pays so much attention to it. It's damaging to the progressive left (even the progressive right) who's image is often smeared in the right wing/corporate popular press.
Monday, November 8, 2010
시끄러운 교실
The longer I teach in Seoul the more I'm learning about classroom control management as an active and sometimes aggressive yet covert struggle between between my expectations for my students and my students' expectations for me. I say covert because the traditional classroom does not permit never mind encourage student dissent. In other words, I don't see the students and me meeting each other in an ideal public space we call a classroom in which we work together to complete a series of tasks and conversations in order to learn. I see my and my students' expectations meeting in a rhetorical space through which we communicate with each other about lessons I'm more or less obligated to teach them.
I've quickly described two classrooms; neither is an actual room we could call The Real Classroom. One is an ideal classroom and the other a rhetorical space. Teaching in an ideal public classroom is an experience I very much want to have. I'd love to see the promise fulfilled, the promise of democratic discourse in a public classroom that results in learning and an exchange of ideas many of which derived from the original social difference of the individuals in the class. The latter space, which I refuse to call a classroom, is the space I'm obliged to maintain. It's a space wherein cultural difference, contractual obligation and the State all work to create turbulence that is always just slightly less than the natural noise in an actual classroom: students, teachers, desks, chairs, the A/V, the fan. For the students, this turbulence registers in anxiety and discomfort heard in their voices, seen on their faces. Some simply sleep through it. A few react violently to its presence.
I don't now how most teachers handle this. Actually, I do. Most teachers use their power to maintain order in their classrooms with more or less successful results. Most teachers teach to maintain order: order in the tradition, order in the room, order in their assumptions, order in their lives, and so on. In addition, I always assume, and I think I'm correct in making this assumption, that most teachers don't believe this turbulence (as opposed to the everyday noise) exists. Most teachers I meet seem willing to accept the classroom space a school district provides for what it is and that their task is to instruct students on how to do specific tasks more correctly, more efficiently. In effect, our public classrooms are nothing more than training students how to be good employees and consumers. I don't want to pick on most teachers, but I do have a problem with the attitude that for all its claims to appreciate the importance in education actually reinforces the notion that ranking is much more important than understanding and appreciating knowledge. I don't think it's good for us and I know it's not good for our students.
Most days, teaching public school in Korea is a lesson in humility. Even when what I teach entertains and educates my students, an honest assessment of the quality and usefulness of my lessons can lead to slight, if not heavy, depression. I never question my dedication to teaching; don't misunderstand me. It's that I get depressed when I think of the dirty rooms, decaying infrastructure, smelly uniforms, unhappy employees, horrible food, and incomplete lessons. Of course, there's much more we, as in society, can do to improve the horrible situation(s) of public education. In Korea, as in the US, much public discourse concerning educational reform embraces the ideals we all think a healthy democratic society has to offer the classroom. But much if not all the talk about teachers and students is focused squarely on the outcomes of tests that evaluate performance of students and now teachers. These ideals are, then, not at all about education, pedagogy, practice, knowledge, discourse and rhetoric. They are market ideals that help explain, encourage, inculcate, and distribute capitalist cultural myths. I don't care about these ideals when it comes down to it because I find them facile and vacuous; in the sense that we all know them already, some of us agree with them in spirit, and yet do absolutely nothing to insure we shall attain them.
I'm going to post a lengthy description of my last lesson and attempt to examine what I'm doing here at Samsung High School. I want to examine the usefulness of the language work I attempt to accomplish on a weekly basis.
I have titled this post "The Noisy Classroom" because I encourage noise in my classrooms. The noise in my classes is bilingual--Korean and English. The noise is outbursts, questions, casual conversation, friendly banter as well as scolding address: all the typical noises are present. I tend to have students work in groups. My high school students tend dwell "behind the curve." They are nowhere near proficient enough to meet Korea's standards for students their age. In each class, I can expect anywhere from 2 to 6 students who are at a solid intermediate level or above. I can expect 5 to 10 students who are at a low intermediate level. I can expect the other students to be at a beginner level or have little to no desire to use English at all.
This poses a problem for me. If I were a teacher who made demands of my students based on the standards, as most teachers do, I'd get no satisfactory work accomplished, no matter how good my lessons were. No matter what my colleagues think of ESL/EFL standards, theory and praxis, I'm not teaching in an environment where I can use traditional teaching methods to gain positive results. First, the students aren't at the level that Korea's standards insist we (teachers and students) maintain; second, I have no instutional support.
In addition, the standard serves to remind my students how poorly they perform in comparison to the standard. It serves no other purpose; I'd argue even at the schools where students outperform the standard the standards do not encourage learning instead instilling habits of competition. Students are, in fact, oppressed by the standard. I found in my first year at school that the lessons the Korean teachers encouraged me to instruct were of two kinds: 1) informative lessons meant to encourage students to memorize and repeat certain linguistic structures and/or vocabulary and 2) games meant to entertain as much as teach. These lessons fulfill two concerns Koreans have about classroom management: learning and entertainment.
I do believe that Korean teachers, in this respect, are very similar to American teachers. They want students to enjoy their lessons. The problem is that the kinds of lessons I was encourage to design, implement and teach do not take students into consideration. The lessons are actually much more about satisfying what the teachers, administration and culture of education demand. This is the turbulent noise that most adversely affects my classrooms in Korea. In the US, in my university classrooms, I could control this noise more effectively. I am, in fact, part of the problem in Korea. I'm the colonial presence in Korean culture, the physical manifestation of all that worries Koreans about English-language culture in Korean society. And my voice, if it is in tune with standards, is a repetitive You're Not Right. Most teachers I know are unwilling to work this into how they teach, this consciousness of oppression. Some are unwilling to admit it's presence. Still others seem to take pleasure in treating students like slaves to their cause.
With the next few posts, I want to share my lesson, consider my classroom, come to a better understanding of what it is I'm doing here and what my work means. Feel free to participate in the comments. Share your stories, questions, concerns.
I've quickly described two classrooms; neither is an actual room we could call The Real Classroom. One is an ideal classroom and the other a rhetorical space. Teaching in an ideal public classroom is an experience I very much want to have. I'd love to see the promise fulfilled, the promise of democratic discourse in a public classroom that results in learning and an exchange of ideas many of which derived from the original social difference of the individuals in the class. The latter space, which I refuse to call a classroom, is the space I'm obliged to maintain. It's a space wherein cultural difference, contractual obligation and the State all work to create turbulence that is always just slightly less than the natural noise in an actual classroom: students, teachers, desks, chairs, the A/V, the fan. For the students, this turbulence registers in anxiety and discomfort heard in their voices, seen on their faces. Some simply sleep through it. A few react violently to its presence.
I don't now how most teachers handle this. Actually, I do. Most teachers use their power to maintain order in their classrooms with more or less successful results. Most teachers teach to maintain order: order in the tradition, order in the room, order in their assumptions, order in their lives, and so on. In addition, I always assume, and I think I'm correct in making this assumption, that most teachers don't believe this turbulence (as opposed to the everyday noise) exists. Most teachers I meet seem willing to accept the classroom space a school district provides for what it is and that their task is to instruct students on how to do specific tasks more correctly, more efficiently. In effect, our public classrooms are nothing more than training students how to be good employees and consumers. I don't want to pick on most teachers, but I do have a problem with the attitude that for all its claims to appreciate the importance in education actually reinforces the notion that ranking is much more important than understanding and appreciating knowledge. I don't think it's good for us and I know it's not good for our students.
Most days, teaching public school in Korea is a lesson in humility. Even when what I teach entertains and educates my students, an honest assessment of the quality and usefulness of my lessons can lead to slight, if not heavy, depression. I never question my dedication to teaching; don't misunderstand me. It's that I get depressed when I think of the dirty rooms, decaying infrastructure, smelly uniforms, unhappy employees, horrible food, and incomplete lessons. Of course, there's much more we, as in society, can do to improve the horrible situation(s) of public education. In Korea, as in the US, much public discourse concerning educational reform embraces the ideals we all think a healthy democratic society has to offer the classroom. But much if not all the talk about teachers and students is focused squarely on the outcomes of tests that evaluate performance of students and now teachers. These ideals are, then, not at all about education, pedagogy, practice, knowledge, discourse and rhetoric. They are market ideals that help explain, encourage, inculcate, and distribute capitalist cultural myths. I don't care about these ideals when it comes down to it because I find them facile and vacuous; in the sense that we all know them already, some of us agree with them in spirit, and yet do absolutely nothing to insure we shall attain them.
I'm going to post a lengthy description of my last lesson and attempt to examine what I'm doing here at Samsung High School. I want to examine the usefulness of the language work I attempt to accomplish on a weekly basis.
I have titled this post "The Noisy Classroom" because I encourage noise in my classrooms. The noise in my classes is bilingual--Korean and English. The noise is outbursts, questions, casual conversation, friendly banter as well as scolding address: all the typical noises are present. I tend to have students work in groups. My high school students tend dwell "behind the curve." They are nowhere near proficient enough to meet Korea's standards for students their age. In each class, I can expect anywhere from 2 to 6 students who are at a solid intermediate level or above. I can expect 5 to 10 students who are at a low intermediate level. I can expect the other students to be at a beginner level or have little to no desire to use English at all.
This poses a problem for me. If I were a teacher who made demands of my students based on the standards, as most teachers do, I'd get no satisfactory work accomplished, no matter how good my lessons were. No matter what my colleagues think of ESL/EFL standards, theory and praxis, I'm not teaching in an environment where I can use traditional teaching methods to gain positive results. First, the students aren't at the level that Korea's standards insist we (teachers and students) maintain; second, I have no instutional support.
In addition, the standard serves to remind my students how poorly they perform in comparison to the standard. It serves no other purpose; I'd argue even at the schools where students outperform the standard the standards do not encourage learning instead instilling habits of competition. Students are, in fact, oppressed by the standard. I found in my first year at school that the lessons the Korean teachers encouraged me to instruct were of two kinds: 1) informative lessons meant to encourage students to memorize and repeat certain linguistic structures and/or vocabulary and 2) games meant to entertain as much as teach. These lessons fulfill two concerns Koreans have about classroom management: learning and entertainment.
I do believe that Korean teachers, in this respect, are very similar to American teachers. They want students to enjoy their lessons. The problem is that the kinds of lessons I was encourage to design, implement and teach do not take students into consideration. The lessons are actually much more about satisfying what the teachers, administration and culture of education demand. This is the turbulent noise that most adversely affects my classrooms in Korea. In the US, in my university classrooms, I could control this noise more effectively. I am, in fact, part of the problem in Korea. I'm the colonial presence in Korean culture, the physical manifestation of all that worries Koreans about English-language culture in Korean society. And my voice, if it is in tune with standards, is a repetitive You're Not Right. Most teachers I know are unwilling to work this into how they teach, this consciousness of oppression. Some are unwilling to admit it's presence. Still others seem to take pleasure in treating students like slaves to their cause.
With the next few posts, I want to share my lesson, consider my classroom, come to a better understanding of what it is I'm doing here and what my work means. Feel free to participate in the comments. Share your stories, questions, concerns.
Friday, October 29, 2010
back? i think so... more to come.
i have no idea, and i have been tinkering for weeks now, what has been up with my access to Blogger and my blogs, but the problem seems to have disappeared as if it never existed.
the sites load from school and home without issue and i'm hoping i can begin blogging again. i've got a lot to share. it's kind of exciting.
this problem accessing blogger reminds me of the early days of blogger when such things happened quite often.
the sites load from school and home without issue and i'm hoping i can begin blogging again. i've got a lot to share. it's kind of exciting.
this problem accessing blogger reminds me of the early days of blogger when such things happened quite often.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Two shows in Hongdae tonight
If you're wondering what to do tonight, you should come out to Duriban at 7pm. (A short walk out of exit 4 Hongdae Ipgu Station. Come out of the exit, look for the building standing amongst the others that have been demolished. It's about 100m or so from the exit.) After the shows there, head to Children's Park. Then, end the night at Roots Time.
Friday, October 1, 2010
A Testing ONE TWO THREE
Well, it's been some time since my last post. I've been unable to get into blogger.com from home and from school and have had to resort to a proxy. This post is little more than proving to myself that it actually works now and that I can get back to blogging about what I blog about...
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Tropical Storm Kompasu.
Trying to get accurate English information about typhoons on the Korean peninsula is a real pain in the ass. The expat sites list weather information sites like The Weather Channel, which absolutely blows unless you'd like to know if it's going to rain out your NASCAR or NFL or College Football event. {Ed. 942am: Here's one. Thanks, Cliff! Korea Meteorological Administration.}
Last year, there were no typhoons. I grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma. From five to fourteen, 1975-1984ish, I lived in fear that the Arkansas River would flash flood and drown my neighbors. It did once. In addition, we survived several massive tornadoes. I know the use of a bathtub or an oak closet and a mattress. I lived through Hurrican Gloria in New London, Connecticut. We had no electricity for a week after that one. These were all adventures for me. I remember them not with fear, but still my heart races with excitement each time a big storm passes my way.
So, I want to know about this typhoon that is now crashing its way across Seoul and the peninsula. The winds are strong, the gusts tremendous. Schools don't close in Korea, so I'll get to ride it out with students, faculty and staff. Our school is older and rotten. It's sturdy, of course, but it's nothing more than concrete and sliding-glass panes. We'll hear the entire storm as the building should act like a poorly engineered, rectangular ear. From what I can tell, after the brunt of the storm passes, we're likely to experience some grand thunderstorms through the weekend.
I love the thunder. I praise the rain. I like the gray days that sweep me away to my interior best self and blanket me. I fear the storms but always want to venture outdoors during their mad climaxes. A result of my young father, in his late twenties and early thirties during the storm years of my youth, dragging us out into the stormy nights after the worst had passed to survey the damage.
Apropos, then, that this great tropical storm, low-grade Typhoon Kompasu, kept me awake rattling windows while I've been negotiating my youth for my novel. Figuring things out. Cracking memories like the torn tarp flapping on my scooter, snapping my seat.
--------info
***4AM Woken by the trucking wind, rattling windows. Typhoon Kompasu is motoring through Seoul.
***730AM and the storm is not shutting down schools even as we learn that most subway lines are delayed and that the one or two are no longer running. I will have to walk all the way to school. Bound to get soaked. From what I can tell, it's a level one typhoon. Not a scary typhoon at all, but winds can gust up to 125mph and remain steady between 70 and 95mph. We're getting blown by massive winds in my neighborhood, but it's all mostly gusty right now. From what I can tell, the storm's center should be off the peninsula by late this afternoon. I'll update with info. Maybe some pics if anything interesting happens. ANyway, it's loud at times, but nothing is blowing around. No electricity out. I'm glad. I'm just recovering from my wedding and two week trip to Chicago. I'd love it to blow and rain a bit but I'd like to do it with comfort. I'm pooped. Off to school.
***930AM and the storm is over. Satellite images show the storm has left Seoul and moved Northeast. I'm sad that it passed through during the wee hours and early morning because I couldn't go out and snap photos of the wind beating the crap out of everything. Oh well. There's always the next typhoon. My colleagues are telling me that the winds were pretty severe with this storm. It sounded wonderful. At times like trucks passing by our windows. Fortunately, no damage was done to our school. I really don't have any faith that classroom or office damage would be fixed in a timely manner. Right now, all money goes into the decaying gymnasium. They've been working on that filthy place since I arrived in 2008. The rain falling now is that wonderful misty spray that quickly and thoroughly wets without much force, intimidation or show. I like it. What don't I like about this now: humidity. Lots of humidity. Adds extra pounds to everyone walking. Yesterday, the humidity rose so quickly while Praise and I were walking through Myeongdong that it felt to me like she had thrown a wet hot blanket over my back. I don't mind heat. I loathe humidity. Looking forward to autumn. Chuseok is an entire week off school this year. Just over two weeks away.
Last year, there were no typhoons. I grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma. From five to fourteen, 1975-1984ish, I lived in fear that the Arkansas River would flash flood and drown my neighbors. It did once. In addition, we survived several massive tornadoes. I know the use of a bathtub or an oak closet and a mattress. I lived through Hurrican Gloria in New London, Connecticut. We had no electricity for a week after that one. These were all adventures for me. I remember them not with fear, but still my heart races with excitement each time a big storm passes my way.
So, I want to know about this typhoon that is now crashing its way across Seoul and the peninsula. The winds are strong, the gusts tremendous. Schools don't close in Korea, so I'll get to ride it out with students, faculty and staff. Our school is older and rotten. It's sturdy, of course, but it's nothing more than concrete and sliding-glass panes. We'll hear the entire storm as the building should act like a poorly engineered, rectangular ear. From what I can tell, after the brunt of the storm passes, we're likely to experience some grand thunderstorms through the weekend.
I love the thunder. I praise the rain. I like the gray days that sweep me away to my interior best self and blanket me. I fear the storms but always want to venture outdoors during their mad climaxes. A result of my young father, in his late twenties and early thirties during the storm years of my youth, dragging us out into the stormy nights after the worst had passed to survey the damage.
Apropos, then, that this great tropical storm, low-grade Typhoon Kompasu, kept me awake rattling windows while I've been negotiating my youth for my novel. Figuring things out. Cracking memories like the torn tarp flapping on my scooter, snapping my seat.
--------info
***4AM Woken by the trucking wind, rattling windows. Typhoon Kompasu is motoring through Seoul.
***730AM and the storm is not shutting down schools even as we learn that most subway lines are delayed and that the one or two are no longer running. I will have to walk all the way to school. Bound to get soaked. From what I can tell, it's a level one typhoon. Not a scary typhoon at all, but winds can gust up to 125mph and remain steady between 70 and 95mph. We're getting blown by massive winds in my neighborhood, but it's all mostly gusty right now. From what I can tell, the storm's center should be off the peninsula by late this afternoon. I'll update with info. Maybe some pics if anything interesting happens. ANyway, it's loud at times, but nothing is blowing around. No electricity out. I'm glad. I'm just recovering from my wedding and two week trip to Chicago. I'd love it to blow and rain a bit but I'd like to do it with comfort. I'm pooped. Off to school.
***930AM and the storm is over. Satellite images show the storm has left Seoul and moved Northeast. I'm sad that it passed through during the wee hours and early morning because I couldn't go out and snap photos of the wind beating the crap out of everything. Oh well. There's always the next typhoon. My colleagues are telling me that the winds were pretty severe with this storm. It sounded wonderful. At times like trucks passing by our windows. Fortunately, no damage was done to our school. I really don't have any faith that classroom or office damage would be fixed in a timely manner. Right now, all money goes into the decaying gymnasium. They've been working on that filthy place since I arrived in 2008. The rain falling now is that wonderful misty spray that quickly and thoroughly wets without much force, intimidation or show. I like it. What don't I like about this now: humidity. Lots of humidity. Adds extra pounds to everyone walking. Yesterday, the humidity rose so quickly while Praise and I were walking through Myeongdong that it felt to me like she had thrown a wet hot blanket over my back. I don't mind heat. I loathe humidity. Looking forward to autumn. Chuseok is an entire week off school this year. Just over two weeks away.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Guilt, the Ineluctable & the Post-Traumatic
I just finished watching the newest episode of Mad Men.
I've learned two things.
I love my wife. That's not the first thing. In the order of things learned while watching TV on my laptop, I didn't first learn I love my wife. And I knew that already. Anyway, that's not exactly a lesson, is it? I think I learned to recognize the guilt I feel about not loving her enough and that this guilt is tied to fidelity. Not fidelity as in "Have you cheated or not, Gary, tell me the truth." It's not that kind of fidelity, or guilt--a being honest with myself, or her, sort of thing. Though, in the show, that's a big part of masculinity on display. But Guilt, nevertheless and capital 'G', in remembering how incapable I feel of doing what she needs done or I think she wants from me to properly love her. Guilt as an address. Guilt as an attempt. The Attempt: to try in spite of knowing I may continuously fail. And quickly after succumbing to guilt, coming to understand that this is my conscience and its means to find something similar to cold feet before the wedding because I don't get cold feet suffering instead, like many of us do, from hot feet. I'm too spontaneous. Too hyperactive. Too compulsive. Obsessed without end to obsession.
What do I have to feel guilty about? I guess, I feel guilty I'm doing this thing I never thought I would do and with this person who should know better than to hang out with a person like me. Certainly, I think that's warranted guilt. But on the show, two men drink New Year's Day away first with one another at work over their loneliness and Separations, then with one another at an early New York City grindhouse over Godzilla, then over steak, then comedy in The Village, then with prostitutes. And the shy one was only too willing. I sympathized with him. And that sympathy made me feel guilty and that feeling got me writing and thinking. The feeling, not the illicit behavior, led to writing about my wife. And that, of course, nourishes further guilt.
I could make the funny pun about being Catholic, but there's the first thing I learned while watching Mad Men. The first thing is that I'm more than a little embarrassed to have discovered I'm still suffering from post-traumatic stress. I mangled my finger beyond repair in the fall of 2005. Well, I was mugged and menaced with a gun on Memorial Day Weekend 2005, as well. And that comes with its own gifts. But this second unintended violent event is what I'm now coping with.
In the fall of 2005, I inadvertently stuck my finger into the moving flywheel of my Vespa while working on its carburetor. We say, I cut if off in the flywheel, but I didn't cut it off at all. I turned it around so that it was pointing at me, tearing everything up inside the finger, including the skin all around the middle joint. I was calm, then. When it happened, I made no sound and asked for an ambulance. I sat on the front porch and waited as firemen showed up as they do for traumatic injuries. I didn't speak when they freed my pointing finger from the hardened pudding of blood and skin within supportive arm. I didn't speak to the man who permitted me to lean against him while we waited.
Eventually, I walked on my own into the back of the ambulance. I smiled at the paramedics. I patiently occupied an Emergency Room bed with a synthetic morphine drip for several hours waiting for the hand specialist to arrive. And while he amputated my torn finger from the middle joint up, I talked with him and his assistant about wine. Though they hid the amputation from me and refused to let me watch the insertion of three pins, they permitted me to observe my finger being sewn shut. It was a nice reward.
You'd think I was over the incident. I behaved like a regular tough, an expert in violence on my own body. And in many ways, I am. Outwardly, I am. Inside me somewhere, though, a whole mess of mangled nerves still reverberates with the violence of a flywheel snapping bone and tearing tendon. Tonight, Joan cut her finger while preparing her husband's dinner. It led to a touching scene for her character and a rare kind moment from her husband's. I just about vomited and had to stand in my kitchen until the scene was over. I can't really describe the intensity of this attack, but it reminds me of what I went through during the months after my amputation. The panic was strong, real, as if it had never not been present.
And so there's the lessons. The practical aspect of tonight's watching me and my wife's favorite show alone: I was reminded of how strong my love for her is and how fragile my grip on reality can be. A twisted moment combining is and being but sewn together only after a violent event. Call it recognition. Call it recollection. I may call it forgotten. But there will remain the persistence of this note.
I'm thinking of Daedalus now, as I often do, blindly walking along a strand. It can be any strand. And in the first novel, his terrible, terrible love poetry. I think I understand what it means now: ineluctable, without light. I exist in the moments I don't think about it all and then, well, it all stops while I find another excuse to continue walking on away from yet another violent event.
I've learned two things.
I love my wife. That's not the first thing. In the order of things learned while watching TV on my laptop, I didn't first learn I love my wife. And I knew that already. Anyway, that's not exactly a lesson, is it? I think I learned to recognize the guilt I feel about not loving her enough and that this guilt is tied to fidelity. Not fidelity as in "Have you cheated or not, Gary, tell me the truth." It's not that kind of fidelity, or guilt--a being honest with myself, or her, sort of thing. Though, in the show, that's a big part of masculinity on display. But Guilt, nevertheless and capital 'G', in remembering how incapable I feel of doing what she needs done or I think she wants from me to properly love her. Guilt as an address. Guilt as an attempt. The Attempt: to try in spite of knowing I may continuously fail. And quickly after succumbing to guilt, coming to understand that this is my conscience and its means to find something similar to cold feet before the wedding because I don't get cold feet suffering instead, like many of us do, from hot feet. I'm too spontaneous. Too hyperactive. Too compulsive. Obsessed without end to obsession.
What do I have to feel guilty about? I guess, I feel guilty I'm doing this thing I never thought I would do and with this person who should know better than to hang out with a person like me. Certainly, I think that's warranted guilt. But on the show, two men drink New Year's Day away first with one another at work over their loneliness and Separations, then with one another at an early New York City grindhouse over Godzilla, then over steak, then comedy in The Village, then with prostitutes. And the shy one was only too willing. I sympathized with him. And that sympathy made me feel guilty and that feeling got me writing and thinking. The feeling, not the illicit behavior, led to writing about my wife. And that, of course, nourishes further guilt.
I could make the funny pun about being Catholic, but there's the first thing I learned while watching Mad Men. The first thing is that I'm more than a little embarrassed to have discovered I'm still suffering from post-traumatic stress. I mangled my finger beyond repair in the fall of 2005. Well, I was mugged and menaced with a gun on Memorial Day Weekend 2005, as well. And that comes with its own gifts. But this second unintended violent event is what I'm now coping with.
In the fall of 2005, I inadvertently stuck my finger into the moving flywheel of my Vespa while working on its carburetor. We say, I cut if off in the flywheel, but I didn't cut it off at all. I turned it around so that it was pointing at me, tearing everything up inside the finger, including the skin all around the middle joint. I was calm, then. When it happened, I made no sound and asked for an ambulance. I sat on the front porch and waited as firemen showed up as they do for traumatic injuries. I didn't speak when they freed my pointing finger from the hardened pudding of blood and skin within supportive arm. I didn't speak to the man who permitted me to lean against him while we waited.
Eventually, I walked on my own into the back of the ambulance. I smiled at the paramedics. I patiently occupied an Emergency Room bed with a synthetic morphine drip for several hours waiting for the hand specialist to arrive. And while he amputated my torn finger from the middle joint up, I talked with him and his assistant about wine. Though they hid the amputation from me and refused to let me watch the insertion of three pins, they permitted me to observe my finger being sewn shut. It was a nice reward.
You'd think I was over the incident. I behaved like a regular tough, an expert in violence on my own body. And in many ways, I am. Outwardly, I am. Inside me somewhere, though, a whole mess of mangled nerves still reverberates with the violence of a flywheel snapping bone and tearing tendon. Tonight, Joan cut her finger while preparing her husband's dinner. It led to a touching scene for her character and a rare kind moment from her husband's. I just about vomited and had to stand in my kitchen until the scene was over. I can't really describe the intensity of this attack, but it reminds me of what I went through during the months after my amputation. The panic was strong, real, as if it had never not been present.
And so there's the lessons. The practical aspect of tonight's watching me and my wife's favorite show alone: I was reminded of how strong my love for her is and how fragile my grip on reality can be. A twisted moment combining is and being but sewn together only after a violent event. Call it recognition. Call it recollection. I may call it forgotten. But there will remain the persistence of this note.
I'm thinking of Daedalus now, as I often do, blindly walking along a strand. It can be any strand. And in the first novel, his terrible, terrible love poetry. I think I understand what it means now: ineluctable, without light. I exist in the moments I don't think about it all and then, well, it all stops while I find another excuse to continue walking on away from yet another violent event.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Back in September.
The World Cup, Summer Camp for students, and now preparation for my wedding and travel to the US is keeping me away from writing. Back in September.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Some Very Big Bullshit
The World Cup has kept me in my neighborhood and sleepless. It's almost over, but I'm already transformed into a football zombie. It's going to be difficult to return to my routine.
I posted this morning to my blog, Some Very Big Bullshit. If you follow dagSeoul, please follow the new blog, too. The newest post is relevant. White folks in Korea love to claim minority status. I want to write more about this phenomenon because it exists on the most amateur blogs as well as the most academic and professional. Almost every blog about Korea by a white author includes posts illustrating Korean bigotry and, especially on American blogs, how Koreans hate white people. It's tiresome, lazy and repressed nonsense that I'm too happy to write about at the moment. But I'm compiling links, quotes, sites and other data to include in a post discussing it all sometime soon.
Two more World Cup matches to go. These 3:30AM game times are murder.
I posted this morning to my blog, Some Very Big Bullshit. If you follow dagSeoul, please follow the new blog, too. The newest post is relevant. White folks in Korea love to claim minority status. I want to write more about this phenomenon because it exists on the most amateur blogs as well as the most academic and professional. Almost every blog about Korea by a white author includes posts illustrating Korean bigotry and, especially on American blogs, how Koreans hate white people. It's tiresome, lazy and repressed nonsense that I'm too happy to write about at the moment. But I'm compiling links, quotes, sites and other data to include in a post discussing it all sometime soon.
Two more World Cup matches to go. These 3:30AM game times are murder.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Korean Celebrity Edition.
Song Hye Kyo will never do anything better than this McDonald's commercial. Never.
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